This is yet again, a darker type post. Everyday seems to be getting better honestly, but I feel like there will still be some time until I’m truly okay.
The focus on this post is emotional abuse. That isn’t something I say lightly, and it has not been confirmed by a professional, but I definitely feel that I was a victim of this type of abuse.
I feel that my ex doesn’t even realize that he’s like this. In his mind, he does nothing wrong and he is perfect the way he is. He thinks that he’s an angel who deserves the best life ever, and that he is always in the right and everyone else is in the wrong. For two years, I have been the bad person in our relationship. I’m not saying that I’m perfect – I have made mistakes, but isn’t that part of being human and in my early 20’s? It’s time for learning and growing. However, he never let those mistakes go.
Anytime he got slightly upset (whether it was at me or at someone else), he would bring up past mistakes and make me feel so low about it. He would make the mistake seem a million times worse than it was, and while I do believe we all feel differently about things, he definitely used it to fuel his anger and yell at me. There were so many times I would spend the night with him, where it would end up with him getting drunk and arguing with me, and me going to bed, alone and crying to my friends. They would tell me to leave, but I found it so difficult to. I was so in love with him, and I now realize I love the future I created in my head with him, rather than him towards the end.
Anytime I expressed how I felt, I was wrong. I wasn’t allowed to feel the way I did. If I brought up any concerns or emotions about how things were going, he would get so defensive. He would again, bring up any flaws or mistakes, and make me feel wrong for feeling anything other than positivity with him. God forbid I have a bad day too – those were the worst. Normally, I’m a pretty cheerful person and I have good days, but like any other person, I can have bad days. Days I couldn’t even explain why I was so down; it was just like that. If I had a day like that, he wold make me feel so bad about it. Claim I’m taking it out on him. Say that I’m treating him badly because I’m not being myself.
He left me so many times, for small things. Early on this year, I had a minor surgery to remove a cyst on my chest. It wasn’t much at all, but the recovery time took a while for the stitches to heal and such. He didn’t come see me. I understood during the day, he had to work but even when he was off, all he told me was “we’ll see”, when I asked him to come over. Then, that Friday night, he broke up with me over text. All he said was “I’m leaving you”. Didn’t give a complete explanation, left me to cry so much my stitches opened and I was bleeding. He blocked me, and barely responded to any messages. He gave me a time to get my stuff, so I did. I tried begging for another chance, to change, to make things work. He ultimately agreed, saying we’ll slowly work on things.
Things were so up and down. Things would be great for a day, but then he would get so upset over the smallest thing and not talk to me. He would block me and leave me confused. I would start all over again, with crying and just confused about everything. I would find myself begging him for more chances and to change even more. I would have done literally anything. My friends would get so upset with me for going back to him and letting it happen, but I was at a place where he made me feel like that it was what I deserved. I let him make me feel that way, and I let myself believe that it was normal for a relationship to be like that. All that mattered was that he loved me, whether he wanted to show it or not.
I was afraid to talk to anyone about anything. I was afraid to go out, in fears he would get mad. I found an old notebook filled with emotions I had. Most of them was hoping he’ll see me, and being afraid. I was afraid to bring anything up because I was afraid he would get mad and leave me. I hated fighting, so I did anything to please him and let him control everything.
He bribed me a lot. He knew I wanted to get married, since that was something we discussed for some time. He would use that to get his way. I’ll never forget that he said “if you want to get married, you’ll delete any guys numbers in your phone”. While I didn’t even talk to any guys while we were together, and if I did, I told him and showed him the messages, I did it anyway because I was so focused on the idea of a future with him. I was desperate to leaving this place and going somewhere and growing old with the guy I thought I loved.
Towards the end, things were so bad. We went out with our friends, where we both got drunk. At this point, him being drunk and an asshole was almost daily, and if not daily, it was all weekend long. So we argued when we were out, and I ended up venting to someone that I probably shouldn’t. At that point, I was just so mentally exhausted that I just needed to talk, and alcohol definitely didn’t help that situation. I didn’t even say anything bad, just how tired I was and that I wish things were different. That friend told another friend, who told my ex, and he didn’t like it at all. He told me to go sleep with other guys, that I couldn’t be trusted, and that I was horrible for making him feel this way.
Next day was even worse. I had my father go get my stuff because I was actually afraid to go see him, since he was being crazy in the messages. Later that day, I went to work, where he messaged me to tell me that I had until the end of the day to fix things. He gave me an ultimatum and it made me more uncomfortable. When I told him that, he did stop and asked me to come over again. I said no, and he made it clear that it was the end. I accepted it and I thought that would be the last time we spoke. He posted some things on social media to hurt me, and instead of going off on him, I just ignored it. My friends were calling me and asking me about it, but I just ignored it all and just wanted to move on.
A week later, we both agreed to meet up and talk and get closure. I felt numb after everything and while I still loved him, I couldn’t be the person he wanted me to be and be able to stick around with him when things would still be like this. I needed time to find myself. It took all I had, but that was it. There was still talking for a few weeks after, and a big fight and ended up in me blocking him because I couldn’t do it anymore.
Fast forward two months, he found a way to contact me. He apologized for everything and I kept my guard up because I didn’t trust him. I appreciated him realizing that he was a huge part of why we didn’t work, and I talked to him more. I still loved him and wanted him in my life again, so I let him. He seemed like he really changed. While I admit I did do some things that I probably shouldn’t have – I was single and I’m 22. I’m going to grow from these things and learn from them, and not do them again. Which is exactly what happened.
We stopped talking for about a week, where I reached out to him again because my Opa passed away. He didn’t really acknowledge it, but only told me how much I wouldn’t change and how he deserves better. I did keep trying to talk to him, because he was still the comfort and familiarity that I wanted and needed to get through something as hard as my Opa passing. I changed a lot in 24 hours, and I like that I did. He didn’t want to see it, and maybe that’s for the best.
We completely stopped talking to each other about a week ago. We blocked each other and he made it clear he was done. He said some really hurtful things to me that I would never say to anyone, even as upset as I was with him. He had his faults, and I had mine. We’re not perfect, and we wouldn’t have been happy in a marriage together. We would have hurt each other, and we wouldn’t have lasted very long. We’re very different and that’s okay. I can love him as much as I want, but at the end of the day, we don’t always end up with the people we love. It took me two years to see that he was emotionally abusive and that I was exhausted mentally. I let him change me and control me. I will not let that happen with anyone again. I walked away from this stronger and I’m learning how to be by myself and love myself. I’m going to be okay, and with time, I will heal just fine.
I hurt him. He hurt me. We hurt each other, and that’s not how a relationship should be. I’m sure we found each other to teach other a lesson in life. I’m sure that there was a reason we were together for a while and that we saw a future in each other at one point. We drifted apart for a reason, and it’s probably the best for both of our happiness.
Our relationship wasn’t all bad. We had a lot of good times. We had a lot of laughs and enjoyed going out to do things and being together. We were able to have fun in almost anything we did. We had the most fun when it was just the two of us, and those are memories I’ll forever hold on to in my heart.
What I see looking back, is that towards the end, I really wasn’t myself around him. I wasn’t myself. I was sad, and afraid almost the whole time. No relationship is perfect, no person is perfect. I also realize that I was addicted to the hope that it’ll change. I held on hoping that it would be different and we would finally get married and get away and be happy together. That wasn’t the case though.
What I’ve learned from all this, is that it’s okay to make mistakes. You can’t change the past, but all you can do is move forward and work on yourself. Be comfortable with yourself, and if things don’t change in the relationship or you feel that it’s stuck in the past, it’s okay to walk away. Don’t change your complete self for someone else. You’ll change yourself and they won’t love you any more for it.
I’m going to be afraid of love for a long time. I’m going to be afraid of committing and opening up to people. This relationship has messed with me mentally, and maybe I should find help for it, but working on myself and loving myself will help as well. One day, I’ll find that person who will be understanding of it and be the person I’m meant to be with.
If there is anyone reading this going through anything similar, please don’t be afraid to say anything. I’m here for you, and I’m here to tell you that you’ll be okay. It doesn’t seem like it now, but it will be. Everything will work out for itself. Just put yourself first and you’ll find what makes you happy. If you’re more sad than happy, then it’s not working out. Life is too short to spend it afraid and feeling worthless.
As for my ex, I do hope he finds happiness. He wasn’t a terrible person, and I will always have that love for him. He was my first love, and I’ll hold on to those memories that were great.
For now, I’m going to enjoy being single.