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Recovering!

Hey y’all!

This is finally a post where I feel like I’m more myself. Today, I realized I haven’t really thought of my ex in about two days; which is a lot for me. Even though I was completely done with him, I still found myself thinking of the memories we had around this time last year, or how he’s doing, or the future we had planned together.

I’ve been keeping myself busy and I kept telling myself that he wasn’t good for me. That while those memories were nice, they were short lived before things turned for the worst. Honestly, that helped me out.

It’s weird, but Sam Smith’s new album, The Thrill of it All, really helped me out as well. I found myself relating to about 12/14 songs, and that says a lot. I felt every lyric hitting my heart and found myself crying to the songs, knowing that someone out there knows how I feel. It felt like Sam Smith was in my relationship was with me, and wrote from my point of view. It was also kind of scary, knowing that other people have been through the same kind of pain and mentality of being afraid, and how difficult it is to get past heartbreak. It’s crazy how music can help you in the darkest time of your life, even those sad songs. Just knowing that you aren’t alone in how you feel and that there is something as beautiful as lyrics (and Sam Smith’s angelic voice) to help your feelings become even more clear. I definitely found a new appreciation for Sam Smith, even though I absolutely loved him already. If I went through all the lyrics that I related to, this post would be a million words long. Maybe I’ll end up doing a separate post breaking down the lyrics and reviewing it? Possibly.

Overall, I have been more myself. I feel more and more free with every day. Talking to new people; going for long walks in the cold with music and my dog; spending time at home; going out with friends are just simple things that help me find my freedom. That was never something I could really do beforehand, I felt like anything I did was betraying him, and now I’m starting to do what I want. It’s easier said than done, but the steps I’ve taken have helped me progress so much and I’ve honestly become so proud of myself.

The holidays are difficult right now with being alone, but I’m learning how to love myself and be by myself. I find that it’s good to do so at this time of year, it’s making me so much stronger than I thought I could be.

I’ll keep this updated as time goes by. Work is insane but I need to get back into this.

Hope you’re doing okay and that you’re having a beautiful day!

xoxo

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Emotional Abuse

Hey y’all!

This is yet again, a darker type post. Everyday seems to be getting better honestly, but I feel like there will still be some time until I’m truly okay.

The focus on this post is emotional abuse. That isn’t something I say lightly, and it has not been confirmed by a professional, but I definitely feel that I was a victim of this type of abuse.

I feel that my ex doesn’t even realize that he’s like this. In his mind, he does nothing wrong and he is perfect the way he is. He thinks that he’s an angel who deserves the best life ever, and that he is always in the right and everyone else is in the wrong. For two years, I have been the bad person in our relationship. I’m not saying that I’m perfect – I have made mistakes, but isn’t that part of being human and in my early 20’s? It’s time for learning and growing. However, he never let those mistakes go.

Anytime he got slightly upset (whether it was at me or at someone else), he would bring up past mistakes and make me feel so low about it. He would make the mistake seem a million times worse than it was, and while I do believe we all feel differently about things, he definitely used it to fuel his anger and yell at me. There were so many times I would spend the night with him, where it would end up with him getting drunk and arguing with me, and me going to bed, alone and crying to my friends. They would tell me to leave, but I found it so difficult to. I was so in love with him, and I now realize I love the future I created in my head with him, rather than him towards the end.

Anytime I expressed how I felt, I was wrong. I wasn’t allowed to feel the way I did. If I brought up any concerns or emotions about how things were going, he would get so defensive. He would again, bring up any flaws or mistakes, and make me feel wrong for feeling anything other than positivity with him. God forbid I have a bad day too – those were the worst. Normally, I’m a pretty cheerful person and I have good days, but like any other person, I can have bad days. Days I couldn’t even explain why I was so down; it was just like that. If I had a day like that, he wold make me feel so bad about it. Claim I’m taking it out on him. Say that I’m treating him badly because I’m not being myself.

He left me so many times, for small things. Early on this year, I had a minor surgery to remove a cyst on my chest. It wasn’t much at all, but the recovery time took a while for the stitches to heal and such. He didn’t come see me. I understood during the day, he had to work but even when he was off, all he told me was “we’ll see”, when I asked him to come over. Then, that Friday night, he broke up with me over text. All he said was “I’m leaving you”. Didn’t give a complete explanation, left me to cry so much my stitches opened and I was bleeding. He blocked me, and barely responded to any messages. He gave me a time to get my stuff, so I did. I tried begging for another chance, to change, to make things work. He ultimately agreed, saying we’ll slowly work on things.

Things were so up and down. Things would be great for a day, but then he would get so upset over the smallest thing and not talk to me. He would block me and leave me confused. I would start all over again, with crying and just confused about everything. I would find myself begging him for more chances and to change even more. I would have done literally anything. My friends would get so upset with me for going back to him and letting it happen, but I was at a place where he made me feel like that it was what I deserved. I let him make me feel that way, and I let myself believe that it was normal for a relationship to be like that. All that mattered was that he loved me, whether he wanted to show it or not.

I was afraid to talk to anyone about anything. I was afraid to go out, in fears he would get mad. I found an old notebook filled with emotions I had. Most of them was hoping he’ll see me, and being afraid. I was afraid to bring anything up because I was afraid he would get mad and leave me. I hated fighting, so I did anything to please him and let him control everything.

He bribed me a lot. He knew I wanted to get married, since that was something we discussed for some time. He would use that to get his way. I’ll never forget that he said “if you want to get married, you’ll delete any guys numbers in your phone”. While I didn’t even talk to any guys while we were together, and if I did, I told him and showed him the messages, I did it anyway because I was so focused on the idea of a future with him. I was desperate to leaving this place and going somewhere and growing old with the guy I thought I loved.

Towards the end, things were so bad. We went out with our friends, where we both got drunk. At this point, him being drunk and an asshole was almost daily, and if not daily, it was all weekend long. So we argued when we were out, and I ended up venting to someone that I probably shouldn’t. At that point, I was just so mentally exhausted that I just needed to talk, and alcohol definitely didn’t help that situation. I didn’t even say anything bad, just how tired I was and that I wish things were different. That friend told another friend, who told my ex, and he didn’t like it at all. He told me to go sleep with other guys, that I couldn’t be trusted, and that I was horrible for making him feel this way.

Next day was even worse. I had my father go get my stuff because I was actually afraid to go see him, since he was being crazy in the messages. Later that day, I went to work, where he messaged me to tell me that I had until the end of the day to fix things. He gave me an ultimatum and it made me more uncomfortable. When I told him that, he did stop and asked me to come over again. I said no, and he made it clear that it was the end. I accepted it and I thought that would be the last time we spoke. He posted some things on social media to hurt me, and instead of going off on him, I just ignored it. My friends were calling me and asking me about it, but I just ignored it all and just wanted to move on.

A week later, we both agreed to meet up and talk and get closure. I felt numb after everything and while I still loved him, I couldn’t be the person he wanted me to be and be able to stick around with him when things would still be like this. I needed time to find myself. It took all I had, but that was it. There was still talking for a few weeks after, and a big fight and ended up in me blocking him because I couldn’t do it anymore.

Fast forward two months, he found a way to contact me. He apologized for everything and I kept my guard up because I didn’t trust him. I appreciated him realizing that he was a huge part of why we didn’t work, and I talked to him more. I still loved him and wanted him in my life again, so I let him. He seemed like he really changed. While I admit I did do some things that I probably shouldn’t have – I was single and I’m 22. I’m going to grow from these things and learn from them, and not do them again. Which is exactly what happened.

We stopped talking for about a week, where I reached out to him again because my Opa passed away. He didn’t really acknowledge it, but only told me how much I wouldn’t change and how he deserves better. I did keep trying to talk to him, because he was still the comfort and familiarity that I wanted and needed to get through something as hard as my Opa passing. I changed a lot in 24 hours, and I like that I did. He didn’t want to see it, and maybe that’s for the best.

We completely stopped talking to each other about a week ago. We blocked each other and he made it clear he was done. He said some really hurtful things to me that I would never say to anyone, even as upset as I was with him. He had his faults, and I had mine. We’re not perfect, and we wouldn’t have been happy in a marriage together. We would have hurt each other, and we wouldn’t have lasted very long. We’re very different and that’s okay. I can love him as much as I want, but at the end of the day, we don’t always end up with the people we love. It took me two years to see that he was emotionally abusive and that I was exhausted mentally. I let him change me and control me. I will not let that happen with anyone again. I walked away from this stronger and I’m learning how to be by myself and love myself. I’m going to be okay, and with time, I will heal just fine.

I hurt him. He hurt me. We hurt each other, and that’s not how a relationship should be. I’m sure we found each other to teach other a lesson in life. I’m sure that there was a reason we were together for a while and that we saw a future in each other at one point. We drifted apart for a reason, and it’s probably the best for both of our happiness.

Our relationship wasn’t all bad. We had a lot of good times. We had a lot of laughs and enjoyed going out to do things and being together. We were able to have fun in almost anything we did. We had the most fun when it was just the two of us, and those are memories I’ll forever hold on to in my heart.

What I see looking back, is that towards the end, I really wasn’t myself around him. I wasn’t myself. I was sad, and afraid almost the whole time. No relationship is perfect, no person is perfect. I also realize that I was addicted to the hope that it’ll change. I held on hoping that it would be different and we would finally get married and get away and be happy together. That wasn’t the case though.

What I’ve learned from all this, is that it’s okay to make mistakes. You can’t change the past, but all you can do is move forward and work on yourself. Be comfortable with yourself, and if things don’t change in the relationship or you feel that it’s stuck in the past, it’s okay to walk away. Don’t change your complete self for someone else. You’ll change yourself and they won’t love you any more for it.

I’m going to be afraid of love for a long time. I’m going to be afraid of committing and opening up to people. This relationship has messed with me mentally, and maybe I should find help for it, but working on myself and loving myself will help as well. One day, I’ll find that person who will be understanding of it and be the person I’m meant to be with.

If there is anyone reading this going through anything similar, please don’t be afraid to say anything. I’m here for you, and I’m here to tell you that you’ll be okay. It doesn’t seem like it now, but it will be. Everything will work out for itself. Just put yourself first and you’ll find what makes you happy. If you’re more sad than happy, then it’s not working out. Life is too short to spend it afraid and feeling worthless.

As for my ex, I do hope he finds happiness. He wasn’t a terrible person, and I will always have that love for him. He was my first love, and I’ll hold on to those memories that were great.

For now, I’m going to enjoy being single.

xoxo

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Cutting Negativity Out

Hey y’all!

I’m writing another post out of anger. This is getting old, I know. I just have a lot of feelings (I definitely heard that girl from Mean Girls voice too lol).

Today, I realized that no matter how nice you want to be, it’s really not worth it. Personally, I am the type of person that believes people deserve more than one chance, because it is possible for people to change who they are and really prove that things aren’t always the same. However, it isn’t worth it all the time.

I learned that even some of the people who you think are kind, are not. They will easily go behind your back, or they will completely destroy your trust in anyone. They will leave you feeling confused and mad. They will amaze you because they will prove to you that your judgment isn’t good, and that you need to rethink a lot of emotions towards people.

While I still want to find trust in people, I definitely have such a guard up. I pushed some genuine people away because I was afraid of it going sour or them being fake. I wish I could help it, but right now I can’t. Maybe in time I will. Maybe after I learn how to love myself again or when I heal, but I can’t seem to find it in me right now, and that’s okay. I deserve the time I need to figure everything out and learn.

I’m going to be angry for a while. I’m going to be confused. I’m going to be hurt. I’m going to be upset. But – I’m going to be okay. With time, I will heal myself. With time, I will get out of this horrid place I live in and move away from the drama and memories and forget everything. I will be okay.

For now, I cut anyone negative out of my life. I have enough going on, where I don’t need extra stress or hurt added on. I don’t need to be surrounded by problems. I used to be so happy before a certain someone came into my life, and I want to get back to that place. That place I was before everything went downhill. The good thing about this is that the only way I can go from here, is up. And that is what I plan on doing.

No matter what anyone might think or say about me, I know how I am as a person and how the true people I have in my life are. I know the people I can count on and who actually love and support me and want nothing but the best for me. I appreciate them and the positivity they bring to my life, and they will help me get past everything.

Day after day, things will get easier. I just need to remember how to stand on my own two feet again and be okay.

Thanks for reading, I do appreciate this outlet more than anything.

xoxo

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Strength

Hey y’all!

So, as I said in my previous post, these upcoming ones aren’t going to be so happy and lovely. I wish I could shut everything off and do that, but I can’t. However, what I do know, is that I’m going to be okay and that this is a way for me to be okay again.

Rather than sadness, I have anger. I prefer it that way, because in sadness, I only thought of the good times, how badly I want something I can’t have, and I had the temptation to run back, just to feel what I felt at what point.

With anger, I see the bad times more. While there were good times with this person, the bad definitely outweighed the good. I don’t miss this person as much, I don’t find myself wondering about the future I dreamed of – I find myself realizing the reality of a future I would have had. I see what everyone has been telling me for two years and I’m using that anger to help myself move on.

I use that anger and I work out. I’m doing it to get the anger out, and clear my mind (I may also use this as motivation to be hot and make them eat their heart out, but mostly for me). It’s been working so far and I find myself feeling more calm. This is also when I use yoga or meditation to calm down. When I find myself getting really pissed off, I close my eyes and breathe. It helps.

I was totally about to write “last night, I came to a realization”, when Too Good by Drake & Rihanna came on. So weird, because a lyric is LITERALLY “last night, I came to a realization”. SO WEIRD. It fit perfectly.

That realization is that this person is never going to love me the way I truly want them to. This person is never going to respect me. This person is never going to be the person I thought they were or could have been. This person is not meant to be. This all hit hard, but it put me in a weird state. Subconsciously, I always knew that it wasn’t meant to be, but I never wanted to see it. Now, I do. I feel like I have more of a clear vision of myself, and it’s time to do what I want to do and be my own person. I’m no longer the person that they turned me into, and I’m not driving myself insane trying to please them. It would have been for nothing, because they made it obvious that nothing I could ever do would be good enough for them.

It really is time to let go. It’s not easy – it’s definitely one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. But I need to think of what I need and what is best.

My happiness will come first and I need to hold on to that instead.

Now I’m off to watch Christmas movies on Netflix and cry until I go to bed. Thanks for reading!

xoxo

 

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Update!

Hey y’all!

Oh my, has it been so long since I’ve posted. The last time I even checked on here was in July. That’s insane. So much has happened since then that has kept me very busy, and in all honesty – I completely forgot about my blog.

This was supposed to be my way to express my thoughts and feelings and I let it go. It had helped me get through tough times earlier this year, that maybe it will again. Doesn’t hurt to try.

Since July, my life has been up and down and all around. I went on vacation for a few weeks, which was honestly beautiful. Going to see family and going to the beach is what I didn’t even realize I needed. It took me away from my problems and helped clear my mind. Then, I came home and it was back to real life, and it seemed like everything was just going well for me in general.

Then, someone came into contact with me and threw my life in a whirlwind. It felt like things were different with said person, but I soon learned that some people just don’t change. It took about three weeks for me to see it, and I found myself back in the place I was in for two years. It felt like everything had been going wrong again, that I was surrounded by drama and heartbreak and fear. It was scary, and I found myself feeling so weak again. I didn’t know what to do.

I stayed with that. I didn’t realize that those songs and books and quotes were true – that you could be addicted to the pain. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to hold on and hold on to the little chance things would be different again and that I could be happy. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case. It took me a while, but I finally found it in myself to be strong and love myself.

That has been the hardest part. It was so difficult to walk away. I stayed through hurt and pain, and I still could hardly find it in myself to let it go. But I did, and I am currently learning how to love myself.

My Opa also passed away about a month ago. It hit really hard, and I’m still fighting through the pain every day but it’s getting easier. I know he’s not suffering anymore, and as selfish as I want to be, I’m happy he’s in a better place and that he’s peaceful. I’ll miss him everyday for the rest of my life.

I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy. I’m not going to say I feel refreshed and like myself. Going through heartbreak over and over again is mentally draining, but I’m puling myself back together. It’s a process and I had a setback, but I know I can find my way. I’m going to use my blog to get thoughts and feelings out again, rather than bottle them inside and feel exhausted 24/7. This is going to be my outlet again and I need to really get back into this.

I have some ideas for posts coming up, and they won’t be exactly happy posts. Just a warning.

Thanks for reading!

xoxo

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Going Through a Breakup

Hey y’all!

I haven’t posted in forever, and that is for good reason. I was going through a really tough ending on a two year relationship with someone I had thought I was going to marry. It’s unfortunate how life doesn’t go as you plan, but I must say it does set up for teaching lessons.

One thing I have learned through all this is that I am stronger than I thought I was. Usually, I am such an emotional person (no joke, like, I cry even at the sight of a homeless person or a slightly sad scene in a movie. It’s bad.) but I kept it together. Maybe it’s because of how it all ended, or maybe it’s because I ended up getting the closure I needed but I was able to keep it together, which is a lot for me. It took a lot of deep breaths and reminding myself that I can do this.

There are times where I didn’t eat or drink water, and all I did was cry. I was so heartbroken that I couldn’t bring myself to do anything other than cry and pray and cry more. It was really tough, but having support of my best friends around me helped. They constantly reminded me that I was okay and that I can pull through this. While it isn’t something you want to hear at the time, it’s good to hear it because one day, it will get through to you. And while it doesn’t seem like anything will ever go right in your life again and that you’ll never feel anything but misery – YOU WILL. I am a walking example of that.

This relationship was my first SERIOUS relationship and the first guy I’ve ever loved. Of course I felt that I would never feel okay again. I literally planned a future with him, but one thing I have to remind myself that it wasn’t meant to be, and that it’s for the best. Not the thing you want to hear right now, I get that. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and there is a reason behind why this is happening. It is unknown, but the pain that is going on will help lead us to new found strength.

If you need time to be alone, it’s okay. It’s also okay if you go out right away and party. However you want to deal with it, do it. You’re allowed to sit in your room and cry, as long as you don’t do that for months straight. You’re allowed to go out and drink with your friends, as long as you don’t do it daily. There has to be a healthy balance, and find the best way for you to overcome this.

I constantly only think of the good times. I want to remember all of them, and that is completely okay. However, thinking of only the good times isn’t going to help either. I know you don’t want to remember them as someone you hated, but it doesn’t have to be that way either. Remembering all the hurt and the reasons why it lead to this helps. No relationship is perfect, and thinking of the “perfect” moment in yours isn’t going to assist in your healing. I know it sounds contradicting, but it’s still okay to remember those moments – but when you are ready. When you feel you are stable enough to think about the good times without running back and begging, then it is time to let your mind wander.

Write a letter to them. Unless you are going to say goodbye to the person, don’t send it or do anything. Burn it. Keep it. Just get all your hurt out. Tell them what’s hurting you. Tell them their flaws. Tell them what irritated you. Tell them how upset you are. Get it all out and tell them all that. I was able to talk to my ex the other day and we said goodbye the proper way so I gave him my letter. Other than that, do whatever you want. Chances are, you should just burn it. Let it go in flames as a way to say goodbye for your closure.

Personally, music and writing out my feelings helped me. Make a playlist with your favorite breakup songs (my personal favorite right now is The Feeling by Justin Bieber & Halsey. Ugh YES.), and get a notebook or make a blog. Write out all of your feelings and emotions and why you feel the way you do. I started to write in my notebook about my feelings and thoughts since the day of the break up, and I find that I write less some days, and more some others. However, it’s good to keep and express yourself this way. You can look back one day and see what you went through, and realize that you overcame a time in your life that you never thought you would. 

TBH, working out. It’s not for everyone, but it is something that I’m starting. I feel that it is going to be a great way for me to get all my anger and frustration out. You can let go of the pain and put it in running or pilates. (Also, while you’re dying from working out, you don’t think of the other person and you are distracted).

Put all the stuff that reminds you of them in a box and put it away. This was one of the first things I did because I wasn’t even able to sleep in my own room without the constant thoughts. So, I got a box, put all of the things he bought me or things we bought together in, and put it in the basement. In time, when ready, then I can go through the box without the stabbing pain in my chest. For now, it is out of sight and out of mind. I suggest you do the same. It’s amazing how much that little step can work.

It’s also important to remember that this isn’t your fault. Now, I don’t know what happened or why it lead to this, but it isn’t completely your fault. There are two people in a relationship, so the blame can’t be just on one person. I’m nowhere near ready to talk about why mine ended, but looking back, I realized that I took the blame for 98% of things. It’s not like that. Both halves are at fault in some way, so please remember that you are not to blame for everything. We all have flaws, but you shouldn’t have to feel that this is all because of you. This isn’t your fault, and you need to imprint that in your mind right now before it drives you insane.

Honestly, my best friends helped pull me through this. I have no idea where I’d be without them. They helped me find this strength I needed to get through this. They are constantly helping me and are encouraging me to find inner peace with what happened and know that I am okay. Find those people, whether it is your best friends, strangers you meet that have NO idea about your life, or your parents. Even confiding in a pet can help.

Talk it out. I find that talking it out brings me to more realizations. There are some things that I hadn’t noticed before, but it clicked in my mind when I talked to my best friend about it. It definitely helps. You can express yourself and cry and get all those feelings out. It’s completely healthy to.

REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE THE BAD BITCH YOU KNOW YOU ARE. You don’t need anyone else taking that away from you. You are beautiful, strong, thoughtful and you deserve someone to treat you like the sweetheart you are. 

I know it seems that all hope is lost and that you’ll never be okay, but you will be. It’s your time now. Do things you want to do. Want to see a cliche movie that your ex put down? Go watch it. Want to have a pamper evening that you were rarely allowed to? Do it. Go out for drinks with friends? DO IT. Do whatever your pretty heart desires. It’s your time to figure out who you are and all the things you are capable of. 

Last of all, you will be okay. You are strong and will get through this. I promise.

xoxo

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Beautiful Summer Day!

Hey y’all!

I’d like to start off by apologizing for not posting in so long. Some personal issues came up that I had to deal with.

SO yesterday, Sunday – June 12th, I had quite the lovely summer day. I headed towards this mountain in the alps of Germany called The Wank. I am most definitely not a hiker (anyone who knows me does know this to be true), so my parents and I took the cable car up the mountain. It took about 20 minutes, and the view was beautiful the whole way up.

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This was about halfway up the mountain. It only got more beautiful when we got to the very top, and went outside.

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We stayed here and looked out onto the view for about five minutes, then continued to hike up a bit more. It was pretty steep for about ten minutes, but the view at the top, with this restaurant called Wankhaus, was worth it.

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Right by the restaurant that is at the top, there is a wooden addition that is called the Wank Yoga (or Yoga Want, I can’t really remember – oops) and it leads to an even better view. I guess this area is for yoga instructors to hold classes, and I can’t say I didn’t consider looking up taking a class just for this view –

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I MEAN COME ON. You literally see all of Garmisch and Partenkirchen. On the center mountain, that little blue and white line is called Eibsee. I am hoping to go there next weekend, so look out for those pictures perhaps? Most likely.

I’m not gonna complain; I did complain a lot while going up that hill and going down. I didn’t have the right shoes on, so I was slipping and hurt my ankle slightly on the rocks, and I really don’t like hiking, but the view was worth it (although I will never admit this to my parents).

After we hiked down, we went to a restaurant and ate. My parents and I had the same lunch, which was turkey schnitzel, fries with a little salad on the side. It was one of the best schnitzels that I have had. I can’t get over how delicious that was. I’m drooling thinking of it. We sat outside, and there was yet another lovely view.

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LITERALLY TO THE LEFT OF ME. It seems so unreal, but so true. It was also so warm, it was about 77’F (25’c), and my shoulders ended up being burnt after being out there for an hour. After we ate, we sat on a bench overlooking the mountains some more, then took the cable car back down. It was such a lovely view even all the way down, and it is something I would be more than thrilled to do again. There is something so serene about being that high in the mountains and overlooking so much land. Nature can be so peaceful and gorgeous.

Since the rest of the day ended up being so hot (it ended up being about 86’F (30’C), which is really hot for here), I laid out in the back yard for two hours and worked on this tan. I ended up with a pretty bad burn, but I know it’ll fade to a lovely bronze in a few days, so I’m pushing through the struggles right now.

My parents and I decided to go eat some ice cream around 7 pm, since it was still warm out. We walked along the river there and back, and of course, there are more beautiful pictures coming your way.

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This was on the way back, and I decided to step down the rocks and put my feet in the water. Since this is all fresh water from the alps, it was SO cold. I took my feet out right away, and just looked around instead.

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I feel so artsy for all these photos, especially with the way that the sun is hitting the water and the rocks. I just had to post this to Instagram (my instagram is @tiffaaaannyxx btw, MORE SHAMELESS SELF PROMO. LOL.) because I feel like these type of pictures should be shared.

I am fortunate to be able to experience these types of views daily, and I am appreciative for it. I hope you liked it too, and I will gladly post more posts about trips if that is something that interests y’all.

Overall, I had a great day. It was an amazing way to relax after the stress I endured, and it gave me really good family time with my parents. We may drive each other crazy, but I do love them and how much they do for me. I am grateful for the time we have together. Even doing something as small as getting ice cream is fun and I cherish the small things.

Today is Monday and while it was more beautiful weather – it is yet another week. Reality sets every Monday. Let’s push through this!

Have a great week!

xoxo

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Starting My Weight Loss Journey!

Hey y’all!

SO, I am sure that like the majority of people, I have been on the struggle of trying to lose weight without full on committing to it. It is something that occurs often within people, and I know very well how difficult it is to stay on top if it. Going from your regular eating habits to healthier options, or from your regular day routine to including time to work out? Most people like consistency, and that consistency is comfortable for us. I am so guilty when it comes to sticking to changing my lifestyle. While I do want to look better and become happier with my body, I just want to become healthier overall. I am doing it for the better of my health and life, as well as becoming more confident in my own skin.

Naturally, each new year, I make it a goal to lose weight. I do very well, and I start to believe in myself – then two weeks later, I am back to square one. No matter how hard I try or push myself, I tend to find any little excuse to not work out, or to eat that bag of chips. This time, I am determined to make it different! I am going to list some of my motivation ideas or ways that are helping me stick to my new routine. This will be such a long post, but please stay tuned! It may be worth it and introduce you to new ideas.

  1. I have a FitBit! Given that it was a hand-me-down from my mother, it still has kept me going. It sounds completely cheesy, but the goal of 10,000 steps per day is oddly motivating. It also makes you realize that you do walk a lot more than you think you do during the day. Even on a slower day, I do try and make it a point to reach that goal. It is really cool to see how much you walk on a day when you are on a day trip or on a night out. One night, I reached up to 30,000 steps. The FitBit also tells you your heart rate, how many miles you have done, how many calories have been burned and how many flights of stairs you have done. Overall, I think the FitBit is a good start to working out, because it is very detailed and if you give yourself those daily goals – you will do what you can to achieve them.
  2. WATER! know this is something that we all are tired of hearing, but it is a large part of losing weight. Personally, I like my water very cold. Lukewarm water is difficult for me to drink. I invested in a water bottle that is insulated and keeps the water cool for a longer time than normal bottles, and ice does not melt as fast either. That was such a plus for me, along with the fact that it is cute. I have the 24 oz Insulated bottle from Polar Bottle. I saw it in a sports section of a store, and it was a great purchase. When I am at home, I have a large 48 oz bottle from PINK, and I stick that in the fridge when it is not at use so I have it ready when I need it. I try and drink at least 2 liters (about 66 oz) of water a day. Not only does it assist in weight loss – it clears up your skin, flushes out the toxins in your body, helps hydrate you, and, I’m sure this is accurate for other people as well, it is a great way to fill up so you are not as hungry as often. This is something I have noticed personally, and I love it. The downside is how much you have to pee, but it is something you get used to.
  3. Healthy Eating!! I know this is also annoying to hear as well. Diet is 80% of weight loss, after all. The hardest thing for me to do was give up chips. We all have those foods that we are completely addicted to, and a nice bag of chips is a food that I always crave. Ugh, just typing this makes me think of a bag of Hot Funyons. My ultimate weakness. ANYWAY! There are ways around this. There are always substitutes. I found this snack called Veggie Sticks, and there are a variety of flavors. My favorite are the Zesty Ranch Veggie Sticks, and I have a handful when I am really feeling a craving (I only allow this about once a week). Aside from that, I meal prep. On Sundays, I flavor and cook either chicken, turkey or shrimp. I am always open to new ideas of flavoring, but so far, my favorite is putting all spice, garlic powder and black pepper. I cook the meat, and place them in different containers and put them in the freezer, so on each night, I take a container out, place in the fridge and let it thaw out so it is ready the next day. In the morning, I make my favorite strawberry instant oatmeal from Quaker (where I use milk instead of water). After I make it, I prepare my salad for lunch. I use the meat I had taken out, along with either spinach or lettuce. I add black pepper to my salad (I LOVE black pepper, must be the southern in me – I also don’t really like salad dressing) and that is that. I take it with me to work and I am set. My snacks are either a rice cake with peanut butter, or a yogurt of some kind. I am not that picky with my dinner, I just tend to have a smaller portion than what I would usually have. I look to Pinterest a lot, and have a whole board dedicated to healthy meals (my Pinterest is tiffaaaanyxx btw, MORE SHAMELESS SELF PROMO).  You will see a lot of chicken on there, for that is my favorite thing ever. I follow the recipes on there often and I am loving it. It definitely makes healthy eating easier and much more tasty. Yum.
  4. Weirdly, music is a big part of my personal weight loss. I like to have music that makes me want to move. Good ideas are to go onto whichever music app you like, and create a playlist of pumped up music to get you going. Just an example – 24K Magic by Bruno Mars, Side to Side by Ariana Grande, or Work From Home by 5H always, always, ALWAYS gets me going. It makes me want to dance like it’s my job and makes it easier to move. I have a whole playlist made for when I work out, and it somehow manages to bring my mood up, even in my worst working out mood. Maybe I’ll make a playlist of my recommended songs?
  5. Having a work out that you actually like makes it easier as well. I hate running, and although I try and make a point of running a few times a week for at least 20 minutes, I dread it. However, I enjoy a nice stationary bike. Either that, or some form of the stair master. Along with those, pilates is my FAVORITE. My all time go to is Blogilates. Cassey Ho is an instructor on YouTube, with the channel name Blogilates, who puts me in such a good mood and keeps me going strong. She is so motivating and positive, it is difficult to give up. It is a great form of toning, and she has a variety of routines. She has these monthly calendars that have a different area of focus each day of the week, and each day has different work out videos on to follow. I have been following her for about two years, and it was one of the best decisions ever. She also has great recipes to follow, so check her out!
  6. Always finding time. This is the easiest thing to push aside. I know, because I tend to try and do it often. While there are some days where it is basically impossible, it is important to try every other day. If I work mornings, I find time when I am off work. If I work afternoons or evenings, I do it in the morning. I try and put aside at least 2-3 hours a day. Time to work out and rest/shower. This is one of the most important parts of working out. There is always time, and while it is so easy to make an excuse – STICKING TO IT IS IMPORTANT!
  7. My last piece of advice (although I shouldn’t be one to give advice with this, but I am trying hard and want to document my journey and keep myself motivated with y’all) is keeping a journal. I ordered a diary/journal from Blogilates (see #5) and I keep track of what I eat daily and what I do when I work out. I will insert pictures in another blog post, going into more detail into it. It also has space to write down how much water you drink, how much sleep you get, and any tasks you just need to do during the day. It is a planner and work out journal in one, and I love it. Worth the price. I find that when I have to write down what I do, it keeps me motivated. I want to write down and look back and be proud of myself for what I did, so I make it a point to fill it out and stay on top of it.

This was such a long post, but I do hope you read it. While I am not the best at staying on track of losing weight, and am in NO way a professional, this is just what I find that works. I hope you find something in this post that works for you, and we can go on this journey together! I will keep this updated on my journey and make sure to post any positive steps or struggles I encounter. Everyone has a different experience, but I would like to stay positive on it. Here is to being happy with my health and my success!

xoxo

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Innsbruck Trip!

Hey y’all!

First things first, I hope you had an amazing weekend and have an amazing week ahead of you! (Also, each time I hear/say first things first, I feel the need to say I’m the realest after. Thank you, Iggy.)

Yesterday, Saturday – June 4th, I went to Innsbruck, Austria with my boyfriend. I was supposed to have a birthday celebration with my friends, but it did not work out, so he insisted on taking me to Innsbruck. It was such a great idea, because it gets us away from everyone and we have our own day to do our thing.

It was beautiful weather. It was about 82 degrees (28’C) with a nice cooling breeze. We used public transportation to get there, and there was quite a bit of traffic getting into Innsbruck. It took an hour longer than it should have, but there was no stress. We still had over 5 hours in the city before we had to catch the ride back, and we made the most of it.

My boyfriend was very thirsty, so we stopped by a little fancy cafe called Vapiano. We mapped out our day from there, and that started it all! We walked to where the river is in Innsbruck, and walked around a small plaza type area around there. We stopped in a few of the souvenir stores, and just took our time wandering. From there, we passed by the Swarovski store, which we HAD to go into. I mean, Austria is the home of Swarovski, so when in Austria, right? While I enjoyed being in the store (I was the most focused I have ever been in my life), I did not find anything that really caught my eye, so that was it for Swarovski. Until next time, though.

Walking in the heat had made me thirsty, so we stopped at another little cafe, where we just got something to drink. Since we had chosen to sit outside, the BF had his back to the stores on the other side of the walkway. There was a Pandora store, so my sight was set. After we were finished with our drinks and relaxing, we headed in there.

Pandora is a beautiful place and I am sad I have never been in there before. The prices are really good, and each piece of jewelry is so pretty. I had remembered that a while ago on Twitter (my twitter is @tiffanyamber_b btw. That shameless self promo though), there was screenshots from the Pandora website of these gorgeous rings going around. The rose gold Princess Ring caught my eye right away. I had my ring size fitted, and my love paid for it. He is the sweetest, and I am so appreciative of everything he does. He offered to pay for it, which is such a kind gesture. I am constantly spoiled by him and his love. We saw such a pretty view after we left, and on the way to eat.

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After Pandora, we got something to eat at this small restaurant called Flo Jos, which he kept calling Flo Jobs. Typical man. He ordered a beer, and it came in a half-yard size.

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Insane. He enjoyed it though.

After dinner, we strolled around some more, and sat at another cafe, to pass time. We headed back to where we needed our transportation, and it was a hilarious way back. His phone died, and his energy kicked in. He was making jokes the whole time, and we used my snapchat for the filters. It was really funny. He was being his goofy self that I love so much, and although he drove me crazy, I did laugh a lot. The view on the way back was beautiful as well. It was around 8 pm, so the sun was quite low, and it made for a gorgeous scenery.

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We got back to town, stopped at a Mexican bar for a few drinks, then headed home, where we watched a movie and passed out. Being out and about in the warm weather with constant walking gets to you, and you sleep REAL good. (I also hit over 20,000 steps on my FitBit yesterday, so that was a plus as well.)

Overall, it was such a great day. Innsbruck is gorgeous and these kind of days with my boyfriend is what I treasure.

I hope y’all have a good week ahead of you! Cheers!

xoxo