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Pornography vs Reality

Porn vs reality is something I’ve wanted to cover since I made my last post. This is a topic that I get pretty passionate about because there are multiple bases here. There is nothing wrong with pornography or watching it, I mean, everyone has at some point, whether they want to admit it or not. I am aware that this is their career and I am not one to judge, everyone does whatever the hell they want! The only issue I have is that the image porn is giving across to those who watch it.

There is all kinds of porn. I am too afraid to delve in and see what fetishes they cover, but I assume there is some type of porno for any kind of kink/fetish someone may have. Watching porn is more stereotypically for young men to watch, especially when they reach that puberty age where they want to hump anything in sight. It carries on through adulthood, and some men are completely fascinated by the idea of porn that they prefer to watch it, rather than partake in the act of sex itself. Now, it is 2018. The world where women are sexual is SLOWLY evolving, and I am so happy that more and more women are open about their sexuality and what they like. Here’s a newsflash: WOMEN WATCH PORN TOO. Women do just about everything that guys do. UGH, I could make a whole separate post on this too, but I’ll chill and stick to this main topic for this one.

So, since men (and women) are curious during their puberty area, they most likely turn to porn. It is more hidden away at this age, due to embarrassment or wanting to hide it from family/friends, or just being nervous. This is all new to young teens, and they are exploring what is out there. They then watch porn, and they are introduced to this whole world of sex. In sex ed, you learn that babies are made through sex. All you know is that a penis enters a vagina, and that’s about all you get. With porn, you are looking at a whole new side of sex. You see pleasure, different types of sex, various scenarios. However, it is all fake. Sure, there is amateur porn and some filmed porn isn’t that bad – but overall, it is acting.

Men are lead to believe that all women like it a certain way. That they need to thrust fast and slap their penis on a woman’s face and call it a day. Women are lead to believe that when a man thrusts inside them, they scream and reach orgasm immediately. This is all not true and I am sure that most people find this out the hard way. Sure, there are some people that like it the way that it is shown in porn, but not everyone. Men think that by simple intercourse, there will be an orgasm for the woman involved. Some can do this, yes, but most women need clitoral stimulation. I’m not going to get into how to do this, but what I can say is that most women probably do not like it being slapped, but that’s just my opinion.

It is also unlikely that when you order pizza, you’ll forget money and that the delivery guy is going to be like “I know a way you can pay me” and the porn music/moaning begins. It also unlikely that you’re going to be showering and your gardener appears with you and you have sex. I’m not doubting that these scenarios, and other crazy ones, have happened SOMEWHERE in this world, but come on, we know that this doesn’t happen on a regular basis.

Sex doesn’t always feel good. You don’t always like it. Sometimes, sex can hurt and it can be uneventful. Not all sex is great and mind-blowing like porn leads you to believe. It can be uncomfortable and you may never orgasm. This all depends. It isn’t like porn, where it instantly happens within 30 seconds and it goes over and over again. I can’t speak for everyone, but speaking from personal experience – this just doesn’t happen like this.

It is also unrealistic that people have the bodies that appear in porn. In porn, women have flat stomachs with thin thighs and huge boobs and a large ass. Men have 6 packs and muscular thighs and are well-endowed, to put it nicely. Reality is, most people are not built like that outside of porn. Yes, there are people who are blessed to look like this, and some do work on themselves to look like this, but chances are low that you’ll have sex with someone like that. Every person is different. Every body shape, every penis, every vagina. Everyone is different and everyone is beautiful in their own way. If you’re going to be having sex, this shouldn’t matter. You should focus on the pleasure you can give each other rather than what you look like. That’s a whole separate issue though.

I know that porn is a large industry. I know that people watch it constantly, and that everyone does. There is nothing wrong with it. I just wanted to address the fact that we are lead to believe sex is an act that occurs a certain way because of porn. The reality of it is that porn is fake. It is acting. Real sex isn’t always like that. Real sex is figuring out what the other person is like and what feels good for you/them.

Also, don’t be that person to rely solely on porn. Yes, porn can be good to explore what is out there and what you like. You may watch it for new ideas or new techniques you may want to try. There is nothing wrong with that, but don’t rely on it. Know that your own sex life is going to be yours, not what you see in an adult film. You’re going to figure your body out and what you like. It all takes time.

Real sex is a lot better.

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Things I Wish I Knew About Sex

So this is my first post writing about something as intimate as sex. I was inspired by none other than Carrie Bradshaw, of course. I just binge watched SATC this past weekend and I was feeling some type of way, so here I am!

The other reason I’m writing about this topic is because I feel like it is still something that is frowned upon for women to be open about. It’s 2018, you would think it would be a casual conversation, right? Apparently not. Men are able to openly talk about their sex life and what they enjoy, yet women STILL get slut shamed for doing the same thing. It’s so annoying. You’d think with the way that technology has developed over the years that we’d be able to accept the fact that women have and enjoy sex, right? ANYWAY.

The main point of this post is that there was a time where I realized, there were things I wish I knew about sex before I was sexually active. Sex can be scary. If you’re not aware of what actual sex is like, it can be over and underwhelming, disappointing, intimidating.

NOTE: I’m writing this based off of my experiences and basing it off of a sex life between a woman and man. Apply this to your sex life, whichever way you prefer it to be! I don’t have experience with other ways of sex to write about so bear with me please!

One of the things I wish I knew is that it really isn’t like porn. Porn has shaped us to think that a girl is going to achieve an orgasm when a guy thrusts like three times and that they scream their heads off constantly. Porn has made us feel like if we aren’t constantly moaning and if we don’t do/look how these women do, then we’re doing it wrong. This isn’t the case. Sex is different for each person, and it isn’t like a movie (well, I guess for some people it may be). I will get more into this in a later post, about the reality of sex vs porn. There is so many thoughts I have on this.

It will most likely be awkward. Even if you’re completely comfortable with the person, and this person knows what they are doing – you will probably still feel awkward. Sex is intimate and a foreign object is being inserted into you. I mean, it is a big deal. I wish that I knew how big of a deal it was going in this situation. At the time, I had just wanted it over with. I wanted to lose my virginity and I didn’t think much of it. I went in feeling like it would all be fine – oh was it awkward. I remember laying there, trying to seem relaxed and like I was enjoying it when I was really just feeling so awkward and I was so tense.  I thought, “this is what the big deal is about?”. Going in realizing that it’s going to be odd is important, because then you know what the reality is going to be.

It’s most likely not going to be very satisfying the first time, or the next few times. Again, it is different for everyone but from what I’ve gathered from other women is that it doesn’t really start feeling good for a while. It doesn’t last forever, but for me, it took until  I was learning what I liked and didn’t like. We all don’t like the same things, and it takes some time figuring that out.

I wish I knew that just because it is common for us to be convinced that if we like something different than others, that we are considered weird. This is not the case. Everyone has their things that they are into. We all have our ways that get us off, and we all should embrace what we like and what we enjoy. Some women enjoy sensual sex. Some women enjoy it rough. Some are way into BDSM, while others are not interested in exploring it. It’s okay to like what you like, and you should own up to what you like. Sexual confidence is key to a good sex life.

Some sex is going to be terrible sex. Not every time you have intercourse is going to be mind-blowing. There will be times where you think to yourself, “this sucks” “is this done yet?” or “what is even happening?!” You may also find yourself day dreaming because you tuned the situation out. Terrible sex is out there. It is also important to know that you should not fake an orgasm. Yeah, the person that you’re with may be really sweet and genuinely not a bad person to where you may feel guilted into faking it, BUT DON’T. What they may do for others may not work for you (or they’re just really terrible). Depending on the situation, you can word it nicely and explain how you feel. There might be a time where you straight up say, “this just sucked for me”. Again, depends on the situation.

Just because a guy has a big/small penis, does not mean he’s going to know how to use it. It’s common belief that men that are well endowed are going to be amazing when making love – this isn’t always the case. It all depends on the guy, and if they know how to  please a woman. This also can stem from porn, which again, SO MANY THOUGHTS ON THIS TOPIC. Stay tuned.

Most important thing I wish I knew is that it is common to not orgasm from penetration alone. It is drilled into our brains from an early age that we are supposed to have great orgasms from penetration itself. This isn’t the case though. While there are women who are able to, majority of women need more to finish off. Most of the time, it is clitoral stimulation. The clitoris itself is a bundle of nerves, which makes it so easy to finish off that way, when done right. Learning your own body and what you like will make this easier, as well. Foreplay is also important, this might make the great O easier to achieve as well. You are not “weird” or “unnatural” if you don’t orgasm just because a man is penetrating you. It’s okay to need other stimulation to finish. In fact, it’s very common and important to know.

Every body is different and should be learned through practice, rather than what is seen on TV or read about in a kinky book. Knowing what you like is important in a sex life, and will set you up for a great time in bed.

This list is a basic idea of what I wish I knew before I had intercourse for the first time. There is more to it, but this post was long enough to read. Maybe I’ll make a part two one day. However, I think my next post will be about porn vs reality. There is so much to cover here and I can’t wait to get into it and express my thoughts.

Thanks for reading! xo

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Emotional Abuse

Hey y’all!

This is yet again, a darker type post. Everyday seems to be getting better honestly, but I feel like there will still be some time until I’m truly okay.

The focus on this post is emotional abuse. That isn’t something I say lightly, and it has not been confirmed by a professional, but I definitely feel that I was a victim of this type of abuse.

I feel that my ex doesn’t even realize that he’s like this. In his mind, he does nothing wrong and he is perfect the way he is. He thinks that he’s an angel who deserves the best life ever, and that he is always in the right and everyone else is in the wrong. For two years, I have been the bad person in our relationship. I’m not saying that I’m perfect – I have made mistakes, but isn’t that part of being human and in my early 20’s? It’s time for learning and growing. However, he never let those mistakes go.

Anytime he got slightly upset (whether it was at me or at someone else), he would bring up past mistakes and make me feel so low about it. He would make the mistake seem a million times worse than it was, and while I do believe we all feel differently about things, he definitely used it to fuel his anger and yell at me. There were so many times I would spend the night with him, where it would end up with him getting drunk and arguing with me, and me going to bed, alone and crying to my friends. They would tell me to leave, but I found it so difficult to. I was so in love with him, and I now realize I love the future I created in my head with him, rather than him towards the end.

Anytime I expressed how I felt, I was wrong. I wasn’t allowed to feel the way I did. If I brought up any concerns or emotions about how things were going, he would get so defensive. He would again, bring up any flaws or mistakes, and make me feel wrong for feeling anything other than positivity with him. God forbid I have a bad day too – those were the worst. Normally, I’m a pretty cheerful person and I have good days, but like any other person, I can have bad days. Days I couldn’t even explain why I was so down; it was just like that. If I had a day like that, he wold make me feel so bad about it. Claim I’m taking it out on him. Say that I’m treating him badly because I’m not being myself.

He left me so many times, for small things. Early on this year, I had a minor surgery to remove a cyst on my chest. It wasn’t much at all, but the recovery time took a while for the stitches to heal and such. He didn’t come see me. I understood during the day, he had to work but even when he was off, all he told me was “we’ll see”, when I asked him to come over. Then, that Friday night, he broke up with me over text. All he said was “I’m leaving you”. Didn’t give a complete explanation, left me to cry so much my stitches opened and I was bleeding. He blocked me, and barely responded to any messages. He gave me a time to get my stuff, so I did. I tried begging for another chance, to change, to make things work. He ultimately agreed, saying we’ll slowly work on things.

Things were so up and down. Things would be great for a day, but then he would get so upset over the smallest thing and not talk to me. He would block me and leave me confused. I would start all over again, with crying and just confused about everything. I would find myself begging him for more chances and to change even more. I would have done literally anything. My friends would get so upset with me for going back to him and letting it happen, but I was at a place where he made me feel like that it was what I deserved. I let him make me feel that way, and I let myself believe that it was normal for a relationship to be like that. All that mattered was that he loved me, whether he wanted to show it or not.

I was afraid to talk to anyone about anything. I was afraid to go out, in fears he would get mad. I found an old notebook filled with emotions I had. Most of them was hoping he’ll see me, and being afraid. I was afraid to bring anything up because I was afraid he would get mad and leave me. I hated fighting, so I did anything to please him and let him control everything.

He bribed me a lot. He knew I wanted to get married, since that was something we discussed for some time. He would use that to get his way. I’ll never forget that he said “if you want to get married, you’ll delete any guys numbers in your phone”. While I didn’t even talk to any guys while we were together, and if I did, I told him and showed him the messages, I did it anyway because I was so focused on the idea of a future with him. I was desperate to leaving this place and going somewhere and growing old with the guy I thought I loved.

Towards the end, things were so bad. We went out with our friends, where we both got drunk. At this point, him being drunk and an asshole was almost daily, and if not daily, it was all weekend long. So we argued when we were out, and I ended up venting to someone that I probably shouldn’t. At that point, I was just so mentally exhausted that I just needed to talk, and alcohol definitely didn’t help that situation. I didn’t even say anything bad, just how tired I was and that I wish things were different. That friend told another friend, who told my ex, and he didn’t like it at all. He told me to go sleep with other guys, that I couldn’t be trusted, and that I was horrible for making him feel this way.

Next day was even worse. I had my father go get my stuff because I was actually afraid to go see him, since he was being crazy in the messages. Later that day, I went to work, where he messaged me to tell me that I had until the end of the day to fix things. He gave me an ultimatum and it made me more uncomfortable. When I told him that, he did stop and asked me to come over again. I said no, and he made it clear that it was the end. I accepted it and I thought that would be the last time we spoke. He posted some things on social media to hurt me, and instead of going off on him, I just ignored it. My friends were calling me and asking me about it, but I just ignored it all and just wanted to move on.

A week later, we both agreed to meet up and talk and get closure. I felt numb after everything and while I still loved him, I couldn’t be the person he wanted me to be and be able to stick around with him when things would still be like this. I needed time to find myself. It took all I had, but that was it. There was still talking for a few weeks after, and a big fight and ended up in me blocking him because I couldn’t do it anymore.

Fast forward two months, he found a way to contact me. He apologized for everything and I kept my guard up because I didn’t trust him. I appreciated him realizing that he was a huge part of why we didn’t work, and I talked to him more. I still loved him and wanted him in my life again, so I let him. He seemed like he really changed. While I admit I did do some things that I probably shouldn’t have – I was single and I’m 22. I’m going to grow from these things and learn from them, and not do them again. Which is exactly what happened.

We stopped talking for about a week, where I reached out to him again because my Opa passed away. He didn’t really acknowledge it, but only told me how much I wouldn’t change and how he deserves better. I did keep trying to talk to him, because he was still the comfort and familiarity that I wanted and needed to get through something as hard as my Opa passing. I changed a lot in 24 hours, and I like that I did. He didn’t want to see it, and maybe that’s for the best.

We completely stopped talking to each other about a week ago. We blocked each other and he made it clear he was done. He said some really hurtful things to me that I would never say to anyone, even as upset as I was with him. He had his faults, and I had mine. We’re not perfect, and we wouldn’t have been happy in a marriage together. We would have hurt each other, and we wouldn’t have lasted very long. We’re very different and that’s okay. I can love him as much as I want, but at the end of the day, we don’t always end up with the people we love. It took me two years to see that he was emotionally abusive and that I was exhausted mentally. I let him change me and control me. I will not let that happen with anyone again. I walked away from this stronger and I’m learning how to be by myself and love myself. I’m going to be okay, and with time, I will heal just fine.

I hurt him. He hurt me. We hurt each other, and that’s not how a relationship should be. I’m sure we found each other to teach other a lesson in life. I’m sure that there was a reason we were together for a while and that we saw a future in each other at one point. We drifted apart for a reason, and it’s probably the best for both of our happiness.

Our relationship wasn’t all bad. We had a lot of good times. We had a lot of laughs and enjoyed going out to do things and being together. We were able to have fun in almost anything we did. We had the most fun when it was just the two of us, and those are memories I’ll forever hold on to in my heart.

What I see looking back, is that towards the end, I really wasn’t myself around him. I wasn’t myself. I was sad, and afraid almost the whole time. No relationship is perfect, no person is perfect. I also realize that I was addicted to the hope that it’ll change. I held on hoping that it would be different and we would finally get married and get away and be happy together. That wasn’t the case though.

What I’ve learned from all this, is that it’s okay to make mistakes. You can’t change the past, but all you can do is move forward and work on yourself. Be comfortable with yourself, and if things don’t change in the relationship or you feel that it’s stuck in the past, it’s okay to walk away. Don’t change your complete self for someone else. You’ll change yourself and they won’t love you any more for it.

I’m going to be afraid of love for a long time. I’m going to be afraid of committing and opening up to people. This relationship has messed with me mentally, and maybe I should find help for it, but working on myself and loving myself will help as well. One day, I’ll find that person who will be understanding of it and be the person I’m meant to be with.

If there is anyone reading this going through anything similar, please don’t be afraid to say anything. I’m here for you, and I’m here to tell you that you’ll be okay. It doesn’t seem like it now, but it will be. Everything will work out for itself. Just put yourself first and you’ll find what makes you happy. If you’re more sad than happy, then it’s not working out. Life is too short to spend it afraid and feeling worthless.

As for my ex, I do hope he finds happiness. He wasn’t a terrible person, and I will always have that love for him. He was my first love, and I’ll hold on to those memories that were great.

For now, I’m going to enjoy being single.